The Best Vehicles in Which to Lose One’s Virginity

Nothing says 'I'm paying to lose my virginity' quite like doing it in the back of a Ford Escort (Picture courtesy of Ford)

Ford Escort: Doing it in the back of this car screams: 'I'm paying someone to take my virginity' (Photo:FoMoCo)


Cars and sex …it’s a combination as old as America and apple pie. And if I had somehow forgotten this due to not hearing yet in 2009 Meatloaf’s “Paradise By the Dashboard Light”, I was quickly reminded during a liquor-induced discussion at a recent get-together of preschool moms for their “Ladies’ Night”.

Yes, thanks to being the one who a) shuttles my kids to and from school and b) is always exploring new ways of making jokes that crack-up parents during show and tell, I was invited by the moms of my daughter’s preschool classmates as they let their hair down and frequently raised their drink glasses up.

Late in the night one of the moms disclosed that not only did she lose her virginity in a vehicle, but also the model name was so apropos for the event that it immediately became the anchor at number one as I started forming this — the “Four Wheel Drift List of the Best Vehicles in Which to Lose One’s Virginity.”

BUT before the Top Ten, we all have to remember that not all people (well, make that not all girls) are willing to go all the way, so first I must disclose that the best car for a bunch of heavy-petting has to be the Ford Maverick Grabber.

AND

Not to forget those without a willing partner – the “ménage-a-moi” types. If you’re going to get caught in your car servicing yourself, a Ford Aspire is appropriate.

Now, without further delay —

The Best Vehicles in Which to Lose One’s Virginity

10) Mercury Cyclone Spoiler: Because it’s only her first time once.

9) Hillman Minx: Go in with a prude, come out with a Minx.

8 ) Nissan Pathfinder: Perfect for two naked newbies fumbling about while following treasure trails.

7) Ford Escort: Unfortunately, some people have to pay to play.

6) Mercury Cougar: Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?

5) Gilbern Invader: Invader? You don’t have to ask a guy twice!

4) (Tied) Ford Probe, AMC Javelin, Dodge Lancer, Pontiac Torpedo, Bonnet Missile: Protect your Probe, Javelin, Lancer, Torpedo, or Missile with a clean cover before parking it in her garage.

3) Swallow Sabre: Two words any guy would want to hear in the same sentence from a lady — Swallow and Sabre.

2) Chrysler Conquest Tsi: If it’s that important initial Conquest, Tsi probably is an acronym for “Ten-Second Intercourse”.

1) And finally, where a real-life preschool mom actually lost her virginity:

in the truck bed of a Chevy LUV.

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