(originally published in 2004 — from “Sam Barer’s Sound Classics” newspaper column)
A Christmas Eve tale for car hobbyists…
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the garage,
not an engine was running, not in a Chevy, Triumph nor Dodge.
The tools were put away with order and care,
After hours of battling dual SU carbs, causing me to rip out my hair.
My daughters and wife were all cozy in bed,
So I sprawled-out on the couch to watch Speed Channel instead.
“Pinks”, “My Classic Car” and “Victory By Design,”
Drooling over gorgeous cars that I wish were all mine.
Then a sudden urge – get ready, get set,
To go back to the garage and troubleshoot my old Corvette.
The turn signal would light when the ignition key was turned,
It probably had something to do with a wiring harness that burned.
So over the pajamas went the Roebucks coveralls,
That hang from a hook near the door on the wall.
And just as I grabbed the multimeter and test light,
I heard a rumble outside cutting right through the night.
The sound was so loud it shook the concrete floor,
I quickly identified it – a 426 Hemi with dual-fours.
It then appeared in the flesh, all shining and mean,
A 1970 Hemicuda in Sassy Grass Green.
The driver was old, fat, and had hair of silver-gray,
He looked a lot like my Dad in a strange sort of way.
In his red and white duds hauling wrapped gifts tied with ribbons,
And his beard made him look like ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons.
More births and missionary successes meant Santa now had to hustle,
So he traded the reindeers and sleigh for something with more muscle.
But instead of giving me gifts he simply offered me a ride,
So I quickly jumped in, taking the seat on the passenger side.
Ahead of schedule this year, Santa had time for reflection,
And to show his favorite collector car columnist his personal collection.
So we raced towards the North Pole, the engine roaring loud,
Although I confess — Santa drove faster than the speed limit allowed.
On the side of Santa’s house, a warehouse was connected,
Giving enough storage space for all the great cars he collected.
On one side were Duesys, Auburns and Cords,
Towards the back were Lincolns, Mercurys, Edsels and Fords.
A Pegaso, Iso Grifo and 550 Spyder by Porsche,
Examples from Gordon-Keeble, Sabra, Tatra, Dellow and Horsch.
We talked about market trends, restoration and horsepower,
But it was clear Santa was quickly running out of prime delivery hours.
So on our way back we joked merrily,
Until we were challenged to a race by an elf in a road-spec GT40.
(At first I was shocked by this site, I really must admit,
But then again nobody taller than an elf could ever comfortably fit.)
Santa’s foot pushed the accelerator right down to the floor.
My backside went through the seat springs and my head hit the door.
It was over in twelve seconds, and of course Santa won,
Then we headed back to my house after this moment of childish fun.
So again we arrived at my humble abode,
As I got out of the car, my disappointment obviously showed.
But Santa winked, smiled and said through his beard,
“A great holiday to all, and here’s to another car crazy New Year!”