Dealer / Brand Reorganization — Four Wheel Drift Style!

Searching for a new car is very confusing. With dozens of manufacturers, hundreds of brands and thousands of trim levels from which to decide, just figuring out where to start is a daunting task… Add in that one Toyota dealer might also carry Buicks, while another might have an association with Ford on the same lot, and it’s no wonder most people would rather have a colonoscopy than shop for a vehicle.

It is for these reasons that I’ve taken the bull by the horns, declared martial law, and have mandated a reorganization for automotive dealers. From now on, dealers will floor only models that compliment each other.

For instance, if you’re initially interested in the Mercury Mountaineer, then the same dealership should also carry the Buick Rainier and GMC Denali. Inevitably this means you’re the type who would also like the Isuzu Ascender. Come to think of it, chances are you need to plan for the Chevy Avalanche, as well.

If you’re going to check out the Chrysler Aspen, you’ll find them at the dealer with the Chevy Tahoe, which must be stocked next to the Suzuki Reno. Usually while checking out the Reno, customers will play with the VW Golf.

Any dealership flooring Toyota’s Tacoma, or Hyundai’s Santa Fe and Tucson will sell the Chevy Suburban, as well. Find Dodge’s Durango there too — among Chevy Colorado stock. As you head to the building’s west side, you’ll run into Chevy Malibus parked next to the Mercury Montereys. You’ll have to pass through all the Dodge Dakotas, though, as you move up this dealer’s lot before you get to the GMC Yukon and Toyota Tundra.

The Aston Martin Vanquish is a heck of a halo car for a dealer, but chances are most customers can’t quite jump to these before getting something like a small Dodge Caliber. Older, more experienced drivers will want to look at the larger the Dodge Magnum, but only after walking carefully around the Chrysler Crossfire. For those who don’t feel these vehicles are safe, make a quick exit to the dealer next door selling the Chevy Sprinter and Ford Escape.

Tragically, not all dealers will like their new lineups. After the Le Mans, Grand Prix and Bonneville were put out to pasture, certain small operations will need to survive selling just Chrysler Sebrings and Chevy Monte Carlos.

Large dealer networks with expansive, yet gated lots will be picked to contain the Chevrolet Impala, Dodge Ram…and naturally the Ford Mustang. For safety reasons, Dodge Vipers must be kept indoors. Certainly, the children will be allowed to get up-close to the VW Rabbits.

The competing large dealer in town will most likely carry a Chevy Trailblazer. This also means one can also test drive the Nissan Pathfinder, Ford Ranger, Ford Explorer, and Ford Expedition. Usually, these rigs are pre-requisites to road testing a GMC Savanna or Canyon. While there, it would be an intelligent move to at least consider the Jeep Compass.

Some dealers will be given the Chevrolet Equinox and Pontiac Solstice. If they perform well, they’ll also sporadically get deliveries of the Mitsubishi Eclipse.

Consumers looking for the Chrysler 300 need look no further than the dealership offering the Ford Five Hundred. Similarly, the Dodge Charger will be sold next to the Mitsubishi Lancer. Sadly this dealer will lose both the Honda Element and Saturn Ion – popular with the alternative set.

If you see a Jeep Commander, chances are the lot will also contain plenty examples of the Honda Odyssey and Lincoln Navigator, which will appeal to anyone trading in their Mercury Mariner.

Saturn dealers made “hassle-free” a core value. Due to this, they’ll not only be allowed to continue selling their positive-minded Aura, but also gain the Pontiac Vibe, as well as Honda’s Insight and Fit.

Since nobody was ever able to remember which manufacturer made which vehicle, all preposition name-based cars will be under one roof. This includes the Chevrolet Uplander, Mitsubishi Outlander, Saturn Outlook, and Subaru Outback.

What about all those alphanumeric cars? They’ve all been given to former BMW dealers…those guys can sell ice to Eskimos.


4 Responses to Dealer / Brand Reorganization — Four Wheel Drift Style!

  1. Bung Chow says:

    You sound like an IDIOT….

  2. You must be my wife logging in under a fake name.

    If you tell us your mailing address, we’ll send you a dozen roses as our apology to you for not being funny enough. (You did understand that this was not intended to be serious — that here on The Four Wheel Drift we tend to include parody and humor?)

    The fact you took time to call us idiots makes us happy all the same…you came here and read and voiced your opinion.

    Thanks…and by the way we call ourselves idiots from time to time, although we prefer to use the term “moron”!!!

  3. True Tourtillott says:

    Wow, you took down the stellar piece of journalism regarding the Barrett Jackson auction. Very bold of you.

  4. topspeed says:

    How can you compare a Dodge Charger with a Mitsubishi Lancer?

    I’ll take the Charger anyday.

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