As a former marketing guy, I’m always paying attention to slogans and taglines. The automotive industry has been a breeding ground for some very inventive, yet very unrealistic taglines over the years. With this in mind, I decided to make-up some honest ones for automakers.
Acura – Buy an Acura, your local car thief will thank you.
Aston Martin — See yourself like James Bond, even if women don’t
Audi — Because all the people you hate drive BMWs
Bentley — Phat cars for people with fat wallets
BMW — Even Chris Bangle’s ugly stick and I-Drive can’t stop our cars from selling
Buick — Buy a Buick, so we don’t end up like Oldsmobile
Cadillac — Really, you don’t have to be black or Jewish to own one!
Chevrolet — The best vehicles that cost-cutting can create.
Chrysler — Beauty might be skin deep, but our inept dealer network is nationwide.
Dodge — Sucking the world’s oil supply dry one Hemi at a time.
Ferrari — The key to luring your third wife
Ford — Survival is job one
GMC — The best work trucks for those whose jobs weren’t exported to
Honda — If your house looks like your neighbor’s, shouldn’t your car too?
Hummer — Every man loves a Hummer.
Hyundai — Aretha might be the Queen of Soul, but queens of Seoul drive Hyundais
Infiniti — Our cars are good, but our advertising firms keep ensuring you don’t know that.
Isuzu — Joe Isuzu says: “We’ll be around next year…trust me.”
Jaguar — As traditionally British as oil leaks and electrical fires.
Jeep — Because the road to the mall can be such a jungle
Kia — You get what you pay for
Lamborghini — Drives fast, breaks faster
Land Rover — Can tackle anything, except the climb out of last place in JD Power quality surveys
Lexus — The best vehicles for people who hate to drive
Lincoln — The last car you’ll ever buy – at least based our average buyer’s age
Lotus — The best fifth car money can buy
Maserati — The poor-man’s Ferrari
Maybach — More luxurious than a Malibu estate. More expensive, too.
Mazda — Our rotary engines are finally reliable now…but just in case, we offer Mazda6 and MX5 too.
Mercedes — Chrysler quality at a premium price
Mercury — Mercury is rising (to the top of Ford’s list of expendable brands)
MINI — What’s more fun than dodging SUVs that can’t see you?
Mitsubishi — The Japanese makers of non-Japanese-like cars: fun and unreliable.
Morgan — If you want post-WWII technology, buy one of those German or American owned British cars.
Nissan — Yes we make great performance cars…just not for America.
Panoz — A Mustang in wolf’s clothing
Pontiac — If Burt Reynolds is cool again, so is Pontiac
Porsche — You’ll buy anything we make, provided VW or Audi isn’t involved
Rolls-Royce — After a hard day’s work of crushing the middle class, isn’t it time you relaxed in a Rolls-Royce?
Saab — Quirky cars for quirky people
Saturn — If you like your toaster, you’ll love a Saturn
Scion — Be the hit of the Anime convention
Subaru — Even though AWD cars understeer like heck, every day is still a winding road.
Suzuki — Yes, we know the Samurai was dangerous as hell
Toyota — Then: Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Now: GM and Ford
VW — Cars for people who like to drive more than to shower
Volvo — Safety: you can’t get killed in a car that’s always being serviced at the dealership