Car Names That Can Never Be Used Again

Brand names are important in the world of marketing. Corporations spend millions of dollars annually attempting to find the perfect name for products.

Some names are worth a fortune, due to high brand name recognition and positive image. Others are worth less than a pound of sand in the Sahara, thanks to being outdated, tainted, or just plain bad to begin with.

The automotive industry has plenty of long-running strong brand names. From Suburban (the longest-running brand name), Corvette and Mustang, to 911, Beetle and Accord, there are plenty of valuable ones. For every strong name, however, there are two or three that can never be used again.

Here is the Four Wheel Drift’s Top List of Unusable Car Brand and Model Names:

Edsel — Reason: Bad from the get-go, Tainted: Let’s get something straight here: even in the original market research (it was the first car to use extensive focus group testing for development), the Edsel name scored abysmally low. Still, naming the car line after Henry Ford’s son was green-lighted. If that wasn’t bad enough the brand name would go on to be synonymous with failure. It will never be used again for cars…and if I were a member of the Ford family, I’d push to stop naming so many descendants Edsel, as well.

Luckily, the Edsel name never tainted the brand’s models, which included the Ranger (later used for trucks), Corsair, Pacer, and Citation. It took AMC to ruin the Pacer name and Chevy to destroy Citation with their respective horrible little import-fighters.

Pinto – Reason: Tainted: The Pinto was a good name attached to a pretty good car. A few exploding gas tanks, though, ruined it. In terms of brand recognition for a design flaw disaster, Pinto is second only to…

Corvair – Reason: Tainted: Thanks to Ralph Nader’s Unsafe At Any Speed, the Corvair name will never be attached to another vehicle. Of course, this a moot point, since the likelihood of GM ever producing an air-cooled gas-burning car is less than those for me being drafted by the Boston Celtics this year.

Midget – Reason: Offensive: Both MG and King Midget have used this name, which is now considered a slur towards dwarves. If the Chinese-owned MG wants to build a junior model to complement its MGF, it might consider the MG Little Person to be more politically correct.

LaFemme – Reason: Bad from the get-go: In 1955 Dodge released a sub-model of its Custom Royal Lancer targeted to the growing group of female drivers. With a pink and white color scheme and a bunch of standard interior accessories like a cosmetic case, color-keyed raincoat and umbrella, the thing was inherently a marketing disaster. When Dodge picked the LaFemme name, that just solidified it as a major blunder of epic proportions. After production of less than 1000 units in ’55 and ’56 (which was lavender and white), the car and the name were killed forever. Now if you want a car targeted to women with feminine colors and accessories, you’ll have to buy a New Beetle.

Actually, come to think of it, the Lancer wasn’t a really great name, unless your garage also includes a Ford Probe and a cabinet full of alcohol wipes and KY Jelly.

Chevette and Vega – Reason: Tainted: The Vega was a great name for a fantastic concept. The car looked good, performed well, was pretty comfortable…too bad it was less reliable than Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety. Same was the case for the Chevette, except that the mini-Corvette name would never fly in a modern image-conscious society.

Cimarron – Reason: Tainted: Actually, it was too goofy to begin with, often being called the “Cinnamon”, but Cadillac’s expensive version of the lowly Chevy Cavalier became the poster child for badge-engineering gone horribly wrong.

Dictator – Reason: Offensive: In the pre-WWII era, Studebaker had one of the greatest lines of product names. Studie’s names made sense: Dictator, Commander and President. It’s amazing how just a decade later, Dictator became associated with Hitler, spelling the end of the name’s use.

Wasp – Reason: Offensive: In the context of Hudson’s lineup, the Wasp made sense next to the Hornet. In a modern world the Wasp would be confused with the offensive acronym.

JAP – Reason: Offensive: JAP made motorcycle engines that were used in Morgan’s three wheelers, which is how it is eligible for the automotive list. (Yes, we know that the Morgan trikes were also considered motorcycles to get around British automotive taxes.) As an acronym, it is offensive to Jewish women. It is more associated with a slur towards Japanese…and in a modern world, that’s not considered at all cool.

DZNDNTZ OF VNTY LSNS PL8Z

States make quite a bit of money off issuing vanity license plates. While I’ve never been able to justify parting with an extra $50 each year for my own vanity plates (especially when collector cars are eligible to pay for plates only once), I have always found the world of personalized plates very intriguing.

Personalized plates usually say quite a bit about the car or its driver. One of my all-time favorite plates was shown in Car and Driver Ten Best Plates decades ago – an urologist with the plate “PPDOC”. Actually, it seems like doctors are vanity plate addicts. I know a pediatrician with “KIDSMD”, a family medicine doctor in a small town with “CNTRYMD”, and a dentist with “TOOTHDOC”. My favorite job-oriented plate is on the wild hot rod owned by a local funeral home worker: “CREM8R”.

You can say a lot about the driver without disclosing his or her profession. Certainly the twenty-something guy who had the vanity plate “GOTMILF” had a great sense of humor… Obviously the woman who called Washington State DOT to complain, causing the plate to be revoked didn’t have a sense of humor at all. Washington, like most states, prohibits vanity plates that “suggest vulgar, racial, ethnic, or indecent messages”. Somehow, GOTMILF slipped by.

A now deceased friend of mine had a plate that offended nobody – “IAMME”. His wife had “IAMME2”. Cute. A family friend had a business called A Tisket A Tasket, which made and sold gift baskets, so the plate on her Audi 5000 was “ATISKET” and the Suburban had “ATASKET”. Unfortunately, it only made sense when the vehicles were parked at her house.

I’ve never understood why people spend the money on a plate that simply indicates the make and model of the car on which it’s bolted. I often see a blue Toyota Prius with the license plate “PRIUS”. Like I’d mistake your car for a frigging Bentley Continental?

By the way, if I can’t identify that you have a “C5VETT”, “MSTNG” or “VDubya”, I probably can’t figure out the plate without crashing my own car first.

For some reason Ferrari owners love to indicate that their cars are Ferraris again on the plates. I’ve seen literally every possible phonic combination for these cars. The first thing my friend Bret did after buying a 1981 Mondial 8 was take of the “4RR EE” plates.

I did buy a Triumph Spitfire with the license plate “SPIT”. I didn’t keep the car, but the license plate is still on my wall. I’m trying to find the corresponding vanity plate that would come with a Swallow Doretti.

The art of the vanity plate is to be creative without being cheesy. Creative is the Maserati Bora owner with the plate “DOES185”. Cheesy is the plate that came on a beat-up 1968 Camaro I bought a few years back “SEXY68”.

Some personalized plates are a little too de rigueur. Seemingly all DeLoreans have some Back to the Future reference, like “OUTATIME”, “88 MPH” and “DRBROWN”. Chances are that the next Viper you see will have a plate indicating a characteristic of a snake, like “SLITHR” or “SNKBITE”.

A plate also shouldn’t work against you after being pulled over. The owners of “TWOFAST” and “PDL2MTL” deserve the tickets they get. I must admit that I thought about putting “BLUBYU” on my Powder Blue 1959 Triumph TR3, but that’s only because a) I was living in Houston – the Bayou City at the time … and b) that TR3 wasn’t capable of safely exceeding the local speed limits.

Creativity is key. A math teacher I knew had the plate “NOSRFUN” (“numbers are fun”). A local doc here in town who flies on the weekend put “FLY0AGL” (which means “flying at 0 feet above ground level”) on his Miata.

I’d have to give serious thought if I were to spend the $50 and add a vanity plate to one of my cars. In Washington State, “SAMIAM” was claimed about 25 years ago – I know the guy who got it, and he had it pinned to his VW Beetle. Actually, I’d never want to put my name on my car…Just not my style.

I’m more likely to go for the self-deprecating route. “COMPNS8” would fit just fine on my Corvette.

For more information on personalized plates, go to your state’s web site. Washington’s site at http://www.dol.wa.gov/vehicleregistration/sppersonalized.html even offers a searchable database to allow people to see what is already taken and what still is available.

Worthless Press Release of the Day

BMW sent this press release:

“CAMERON DIAZ SET TO RIDE IN THE BMW HYDROGEN 7 TO THE 2008 OSCAR AWARDS CEREMONY Hollywood, CA - February 22, 2008… Demonstrating her continued dedication to the exploration of environmentally sustainable energies, Cameron Diaz will be traveling to the 80th Annual Academy Awards ceremony in the BMW Hydrogen 7 Series. The BMW H7 is the first hydrogen-powered luxury sedan, which emits almost nothing but water vapor, and still features all the amenities and comfort of a BMW 7 Series.”

When a company attempts to spotlight a product by highlighting a “yesterday’s celebrity” whose best past decision-making yielded a creepy long-term romance with Justin Timberlake, a few employees in the PR and Marketing departments need to be shown the door.

Picking the Best Example From Each Automaker

Here’s an interesting exercise: imagine a genie offered you the opportunity to pick a single example from each current automotive manufacturer. If the goal was to pick the model which best represented every company’s high watermark (weighing facts like sales, performance, quality, marketing value compared to contemporaries instead of relying on nostalgia), what would you take?

Figure the genie also promises to provide ample warehouse space, but no mechanics or extra money to maintain your selections. You can pick new, used or classic, and all examples will be in perfect condition. Selections must be production vehicles, not concepts. Finally, no hot rods or customs, which means a Model A would not be a high-boy and a ‘49 Merc would come without a chop.

What this exercise accomplishes is to identify if automakers are indeed producing their best work now or sometime in the past.

Here are my selections with reasons:

Acura – 2004 NSX: Without a doubt, the NSX is the most indestructible supercar ever produced. While the cabin is a wee tight for a person of my 6’4” height, the screaming V6, sublime gearbox and communicative steering more than offset the need to use a shoehorn for getting in.

Aston Martin – 2008 DB9: Quite frankly, just about every Aston Martin has been a fantastic GT. Cars after the DB4GT, however, were too heavy to be competitive against its peers in anything except for luxury and beauty. The DB9, however, delivers looks and V12 performance of the highest levels…and most importantly, doesn’t give the driver the feeling of a car that will be out of its element when the road starts to turn sharply.

Audi – 2008 R8: After my family owned an early 5000S, I’d be reluctant to ever own another Audi. I was actually a fan of the first Quattro Coupes, as well as the not-for-USA initial RS6. In recent years I’ve taken more of a liking to the S4 I suppose, though, that the marque’s best work of all time is the newest R8. It might hit the market with a diesel engine in a year or two, making it the best performing oil burner ever. I’m still warming to the R8’s looks (I’ll never warm to its six-figure price), but there’s little doubt the car is a winner.

Bentley – 1929 Speed Six Le Mans: Please don’t get me wrong – I absolutely love the current Continental GT, but the Speed Six with Le Mans touring bodies were among the most macho, muscular, fast, brutish sporting machines of their day. Any 1929 car that can hold its own in modern freeway traffic is great in my book. Sure there’s the heavy steering, inadequate brakes and outboard gear lever requiring a shot of human growth hormone to operate, but that’s all a part of the charm.

BMW — 2008 750Li: I know, all the M-series fanatics are screaming “what are you smoking???” As much as I love M3 and M5 cars, as well as the new 335i convertible, I still consider the V8-powered long-wheelbase 7-Series sedan the best road-trip car on the planet. Comfort, luxury, power, handling, space…like JC Penny’s “it’s all inside.”

Buick — 1953 Skylark: I’m a Buick guy. I was brought home from the hospital in a Buick Special convertible. My first car in high school was my mom’s LeSabre. The Buick brand offers absolutely nothing for car people, unless, of course, you live in China, where there are some sexy sedans. Some might say an ’87 GNX (lousy car aside from straight-line quarter-mile acceleration), or ’63 Riviera (no convertible option), but I love the high-end look and sleek drop-top lines of the original ’53 Skylark.

Cadillac – 1933 V16 All-Weather Phaeton: Since the likes of Packard and Duesenberg aren’t available to my list, Caddy provides the perfect opportunity to show that the Classic Era produced unmatched luxury. In the 1930s, Cadillac was “The Standard of the World”, something that even the interesting new CTS cannot say without making BMW laugh. When Caddy released the 452-cubic inch V16, however, it was unmatched. Call it restrained opulence, if there ever was such a thing. The engine wasn’t much to look at, with its very clean valve covers and ancillaries. The mill, however, was a torque monster capable of pulling the heaviest of bodies to highway speeds quickly. My personal favorite is the Fleetwood-bodied All-Weather Phaeton, which illustrates what glamorous travel was like in the day.
Even in the 1950 and 1960s, Cadillac never again achieved the level of quality, luxury and image as in 1933.

Chevrolet – 2009 Corvette ZR1: It’s simple to pick a Corvette, with this car being the brand’s halo, but there might be some debate about which one. Don’t tell me about ’67 L88s or ’69 ZL1s, because the 2009 ZR1 will absolutely destroy these cars at three-quarters throttle…all which delivering better fuel economy, comfort, and most of all, reliability. The ZL1 and L88 427 cubic-inch V8s couldn’t idle below 1800 rpms. On the other hand, the LS9-equipped ZR1 is capable of being a great daily driver, as well as weekend racer. And yes, I know it actually isn’t “out yet”, but cars will be ready soon.

Chrysler – 1957 300C Convertible: Some of Chrysler’s best work came in the Classic Era, when it produced its Imperial line to compete against Packard, Cadillac and others. Since the Imperial was coachbuilt, though, its styling was beautiful, but not unique. To get traffic-stopping looks, world-beating performance and jealousy-inducing elegance all in one package, only the 1957 300C convertible will do. Beautiful and wild Virgil Exner styling and “Baby Hemi” power (including the optional hi-po 10:1 compression 390-hp version) made the 1957 Chrysler 300C the ultimate banker’s hot rod. The nearly identical 300D might be rarer (191 convertibles compared to the 484 300C drop-tops), but the changes included tail light styling that wasn’t as clean, and a hi-po option that switched to using a fuel injection system that was possibly the most troublesome FI unit ever produced.

Dodge – 2008 Viper SRT-10 Coupe: More horsepower than any Hemi, plus great handling. It’s the best, meanest, coolest Dodge ever.

Ferrari – Enzo Ferrari: With so many amazing sports cars in the company’s history, it’s tough to identify the best. What the early cars lack in modern performance capabilities, they make up with sex appeal. Some of the current offerings don’t deliver the connection between driver and car. I drove the 599GTB Fiorano and it’s 3.56 0-60 mph run was less exhilarating than a 4.6 second run in my old ’69 Corvette. Luckily, the Enzo supercar delivers the best performance of any Ferrari in history, while maintaining a good “seat-of-the-pants” feel. When my brother was treated to a 0-120-0 test in an Enzo, all he could say was “oh my god!” The Enzo isn’t the prettiest creation from Maranello, but it is certainly an incredible statement of function over form.

Ford – 1912 Model T: The original GT40 was Ford’s best sports car on the international stage, but most of the credit goes to English Lola. Then the GT tribute car came out a few years ago. Anyone familiar with my work knows I’m not a retro type of guy, but the Ford GT40 was such a timeless design, that simply by increasing the size, making subtle changes and changing everything underneath, the GT wound up a totally modern car by all standards. Performance in the Ford GT is unmatched by any Ford of the past, quality is high, comfort is exceptional, and fine details (such as machined toggle switches) show what the Blue Oval can do when it cares. So why do I pick the Model T as Ford’s high watermark? Simple, it was the most dominant Ford ever in terms of market share due to the vehicle’s quality, design, price, and performance. All too often people discount the level of competition in the marketplace in this era. There were far more automakers in the Model T era than in 2008!

GMC – 2008 Sierra 1500: It’s not sexy, but it’s GMC’s best all-purpose workhorse yet.

Honda – S2000: I’ll actually state that I was really torn between the S2000 and the Odyssey. Stop laughing – if you can find a better family hauler than the newest Odyssey minivan in the history of the universe, I’ll eat my hat. While the Odyssey delivers space, comfort, great pep and handling, and good economy, the S2000 simply ups the ante by offering a screaming fun vehicle. Think Lotus with Honda reliability. There’s simply nothing like life at 8500 rpms.

HUMMER – H1: The H2 and H3 are poorly-built image vehicles for people who think that adding plastic to standard GM SUV platforms somehow makes them cool or bad. On the other hand, the H1 was a highly capable, no excuses go-anywhere with room for its width truck. If the end of the world comes, a good diesel H1 isn’t a bad choice in which to navigate the carnage.

Hyundai — Tiburon: Ferrari 550-inspired lines in a cheap GT car. Nothing from Hyundai is great, but the Tiburon is its best creation to date. The company will release a V8-powered large sedan to compete against the Avalon and entry-level luxury cars next year, so that vehicle will certainly displace the Tiburon on this list…but then there’s also a new V8 RWD Tiburon to compete against Mustang on the horizon, as well.

Infiniti — M45: A great mid-size sedan with ample power, handling, luxury, and sweet looks. It’s also a great bargain compared to its contemporaries. I just wish it was larger, because it’s just a tad too small for a tall adult driver to haul three other people in comfort.

Jaguar – 2008 Jaguar XJ Super V8: Combining the long-wheelbase XJ platform, Vanden Plas luxury and the supercharged 4.2-liter 400-hp V8 is a recipe for a great touring vehicle. The fact that it also outhandles and out accelerates an XKSS (and its lesser XK120/140/150 siblings, as well as E-Types of six and twelve cylinders) is simply gravy. Despite continued crappy quality, the newest Jags are better than those of the past with livable glitches and much improved ergonomics. If only someone would train the dealer networks, because Jaguar dealerships remain among the least competent at providing service.

Jeep — 2008 Grand Cherokee: Jeeps might be “Trail Rated”, but they rate poorly on quality, economy, interior size and overall ergonomics. If I was forced to take a Jeep, it would be the Grand Cherokee. In offroad tests, I’ve found the Grand Cherokee to be far more capable in most situations than the Wrangler, due to being much less bouncy. Plus the Wrangler’s driving position is like a medieval torture device.

Kia – 2008 Sedona: Gee Mom, do I have to drive a Kia? I suppose the Sedona is a minivan I could beat the crap out of without feeling bad.

Lamborghini – 2008 Murcielago LP640 Convertible: Trust me, I really, really, really want to say Miura. I’ve driven a 100-pt Concorso Italiano winning ’67 Miura, and it was a full-body experience. In my opinion, no other car in history has ever looked so impressive and turned so many heads when new, as well as when the years went by. Aside from looks, the 2008 Murcielago Convertible is a better car. It goes faster, has more secure handling, sounds just as good, is more comfortable to drive (although few actually realize the Miura actually has a very comfortable seat and ample legroom for the passenger!) Unlike the Miura, the new Raging Bulls are extremely reliable, courtesy of the Audi ownership.

Land Rover – 2008 Range Rover: If I ever need to get to the top of the mountain, the Range Rover is the vehicle in which I want to do it. I do have my reservations about the pick, though, as a good 1967-ish Land Rover is a heck of lot less likely to suffer a trip-ending electronic problem or mechanical break down. If you understand SU carburetors and the ultra-simple Lucas electrical system, nothing short of a lack of fuel can stop an old LR. I suppose, though, that the new Range Rover’s power, performance, braking, stability control, etc.. offset the fact that they are among the least reliable vehicles made during the last decade.

Lexus – 2008 LS 600h: Hybrids don’t really do it for me, but in the case of the Lexus LS series, the 600h offers more performance and better fuel economy than the standard gas-only 460. Either one is the best car ever offered by Toyota’s luxury brand. Even sports car enthusiasts need a car that they can hop into from time to time to go down the road without effort or noise. The LS 600h is a high-end living room on wheels.

Lincoln – 1964 Continental Convertible: Lincoln has been a miserable brand for the better part of the last three decades. Back in the 1960s, Lincoln was still considered one of the marques in the world, and one of the reasons was the Continental Convertible. With its suicide door configuration and opulent seating for five (or six in a pinch,) the ’64 offered the best combination of styling, wheelbase, engine power, and chassis improvements. Those questioning why I would pick a ’64 over a MKII from ’57, there are two simple reasons: 1) It was never offered in a convertible (despite plans to do so and a single prototype) and 2)it technically wasn’t a “Lincoln”, rather a “Continental” brand with MKII as the model.

Lotus – 2008 Elise: All the weight-saving no-frills formula of the Elite, Elan and Europa with construction enabling the cars to stay together for more than a year. It is amazing to look at the horrible build quality on a S1 Elan and realize people paid nearly the cost of an E-Type to buy one. The Elise is the perfect third car – wonderful on the track, winding back country roads and anywhere one can toss it around…but miserable as a car you have to drive every day.

Maserati – 2008 Quattroporte: We’re talking about the only Maser that has ever really had mainstream appeal. While the 3500, Mistral, Ghibli, and Bora were gorgeous vehicles, they were painfully under-developed. The Quattroporte actually has shown to be very reliable in daily use, which is fantastic, given that the car is one of the great performance tourers offered today.

Maybach – 2008 62: For a base price of around $385,000, you get a limo-sized vehicle that goes 0-60 mph faster than many GTs, plus offers a more comfortable place in which to hang out than most living rooms. The Maybach line isn’t selling nearly as well as Mercedes had hoped, but at least it has replaced Rolls-Royce as the best choice for old-school rich people who can afford to wipe their tushies with $100 bills.

Mazda – 1995 RX7: What a beautiful car! Great performance and handling (courtesy of springs so stiff that a three minute ride adequately mixes a standard can of paint.) The original Wankel-powered Cosmo was a luxury GT ground-breaker, the Mazdaspeed3 is a great little pocket-rocket, and the Miata continues to define roadsters, but the RX7 still stands as the company’s best work. If only apex seals didn’t wear so quickly!

Mercedes-Benz — 2008 SLR McLaren: Mercedes once made some sexy cars, including the pre-war 540K, the 300SL Gullwing, and the 300SL roadster that followed. Starting in the 1960s, the company moved towards heavier, more depressing cars. In the last decades most of the company’s cars have done little to raise my pulse. Finally the SL65 AMG came out, showing that a comfortable touring convertible could also be a fun, eleven-second quarter-mile rocket with great handling and brakes. I would have chosen the bi-turbo demon if not for the newest Merc supercar: the 2008 SLR McLaren. Unlike the last SLR, this one is a roadster. Enzo-like performance with Mercedes engineering and build-quality? I think we have our winner!!!

Mercury – 1968 Cougar GTE: I’ve long held the belief that the Mercury brand should have been killed-off prior to the Reagan era. It’s a testament to poor management at the Blue Oval that Mercury has been limping along for nearly forty years putting out mostly mediocre products. One must go back to 1968 to find a truly remarkable Mercury – the Cougar GTE. The Cougar GTE was not a Mustang with a Mercury badge, rather a well-appointed, extremely luxurious GT in the Facel-Vega, Iso Rivolta mold, but with a 427-ci V8 producing 390 horses. The big block cars came with heavy-duty suspensions, which combined with the V8’s massive torque to make it a capable road burner. After ’68, the Cougars got too big and too heavy.

MINI – 2008 Mini Cooper S: The original Mini would be a no-brainer decision, because it was all things to all people: economical family car, practical city car, fashion statement, rally car, and racer, but in actuality, it wasn’t made by Mini, rather BMC under the Austin and Morris brands, which no longer exist. So basically, the only cars from which to choose are those under the brand since returning to America. The basic Cooper S is a fun vehicle in a surprisingly useful package. I wouldn’t want to have to fit my family in one, but I happily use a Cooper S to autocross, rally or commute.

Mitsubishi – 2008 Lancer Evolution: Sometimes the answer is just so simple! The Evo has been Mitsubishi’s best car for years, but it simply took the company a while to get it to the USA. It’s actually somewhat sad, because most of Mitsubishi’s other offerings have been junk, plastic sporty cars for kids, or in the case of the 3000GT, overpriced, overweight, underperforming fashion statements. The Evo, however, is a great piece of purpose-built machinery – a no frills fun car that delivers on its billing.

Nissan 2009 GTR: Its amazing performance, good looks and great Skyline history make it the Nissan that journalists and enthusiasts will talk about for generations. It takes a technological masterpiece like the GTR to keep me from selecting the 1970 240Z, which still is one of the best sports cars ever made.

Pontiac– 1965 GTO Convertible: I’ve driven plenty of Pontiacs over the years, and I’m always amazed at how little content there is to back up the image. The SD-455 and ’77 Trans Ams TA-6.6 SE are both guilty pleasures of mine, but TAs aren’t nearly as fun to drive as they are to look at. Later Firebirds were better to drive, but man those things had more tacky plastic than Joan Rivers’ face. So to pick one best of breed Pontiac is tough. A fuel-injected ‘58 Bonneville would be nice, but not as great as the wonderful second-year Goat convertible with Tripower and a four speed.

Porsche – 2006 Carrera GT: Just like with Ferrari, there are so many great cars from which to choose. Porsches simply keep getting better – and now we’re at the point where journalists are slamming amazing vehicles like the 911 Turbo for being too easy to drive at ridiculously high speeds. Indeed, if it weren’t for the existence of the incredible Carrera GT supercar, I’d choose a 2008 911 Turbo Cabriolet in a heartbeat. (C’mon, a droptop that can hit triple-digits faster than you can say “sorry officer”, what’s not to love?) As good as the 911 series is, it’s no match for the uber-desirable GT, a car that won’t be eclipsed by another Porsche in terms of performance and exclusivity for twenty or thirty years.

Rolls-Royce – 1965 Silver Cloud III Mulliner Park Ward “Chinese Eye” Continental Drop Head Coupe: It’s a mouthful, but the SCIII Continental DHC with limited-edition Mulliner Park Ward body (featuring slanted dual headlamp clusters, hence the “Chinese Eye” descriptive,) was one of the last great cars from the storied marque. The Corniche convertible that came after was more than 500-pounds heavier, plus significantly more complex (especially the braking system.) R-Rs from the 1950s and 1960s drove well, but those in the 1970s and 1980s felt more like numb, bloated Buicks. The current Phantom is nothing more than a caricature…in England a new R-R owner is viewed as someone with money, but no style, taste or class.

Saab – 2008 9-3 SportCombi: The only Saab I remember really liking was the mid-80s 9000. That car, however, turned out to be a maintenance nightmare. GM’s involvement with Saab hasn’t really paid too many dividends, but the new SportCombi is actually a heck of nice small wagon. It’s basically a step up from a Subaru in luxury, but maybe a step down in reliability. Still, it remains the best Saab yet.

Saturn — 2008 Sky: Who would have thought that Saturn would ever get such an amazing roadster like the Sky? The division was teetering on the brink when the Sky was green-lighted, seemingly as an afterthought in a plan to bank on the Pontiac Solstice. Whereas the Solstice seems odd looking, the Sky is a sweet blend of curves and taught lines. Better appointed than its Pontiac brother, the Sky is simply a nicer package, and by far the best product to wear the Saturn badge.

Scion — 2007 tC: I think I’d turn this into an SCCA racer or a car to beat-up on the drag strip. The tC is a good looking car…unfortunately, all the cars with the Scion badge are cheap pieces of tin.

smart — 2008 ForTo Cabriolet: People frequently ask me my opinion of smart…my standard response: “dumb.” Actually, they’re great for Europe and Asia, where city streets are tiny and congested. In America, they are almost useless, and more of a fashion statement. If you want to say you care about the environment, buy one of the many cars that get better fuel mileage. Since only two models are available in the US, I’d take the Cabrio.

Subaru — 2006 WRX STi: What’s more fun than a WRX? One with more power and a really, really, really gaudy wing on back. The new WRX is too soft, and I’m not a fan of hatches, so I’d stick with the now gone STi sedan.

Suzuki – 2008 XL7: I once compared 25 SUVs back to back on both road and off road courses. While other journalists were jabbering about the capabilities of the then-new Hummer H2 and Range Rover, I was pointing-out that the Suzuki XL7 tackled the same muddy hills and dips in rear-wheel-drive mode. Suzukis will always be junky low-rent transportation—vehicles for people who don’t care much about what they drive, but at least the XL7 was a competent SUV that offered just as much usability as other choices two and three times the cost.

Toyota –1968 2000GT: For a company that has become the world leader, it’s amazing how few impressive vehicles it has produced. The 2000GT was by far its best achievement, being both sexy and extremely high-tech. The car has never been easy to obtain, because its desirability has maintained since before it even debuted. The only other car Toyota has produced that even comes within a mile of the 2000GT was the final US-spec Supra Turbo.

Volkswagen — 2005 Phaeton: VW has produced many cars that I thought were cute (Karmann-Ghia), cool-looking (Scirocco), or fun to drive (GTI). Unfortunately, I’ve never thought any of them were well-built or deliver enough bang for the buck to consider ever owning. Since the amphibious Schwimmwagen was never a production vehicle, I suppose I’d choose one of the much-maligned now discontinued Phaetons with the W8 engine. The thought of such an expensive VW made them impossible to sell, but the Phaetons were, and still are great drivers. Boring, but nice.

Volvo — 1968 P1800S: Leave it to me to pick the one attempt by Volvo to produce a sports car. The P1800 remains the prettiest car Volvo ever designed. It also was built tough, and thousands are still on the road. One gentleman has over three million miles on his. Simple, robust, fun – although a little heavy to get too racy, the P1800 combines style, substance and reliability in a way that has definitely eluded Volvo since.

A Car Lover’s Night Before Christmas

(originally published in 2004 — from “Sam Barer’s Sound Classics” newspaper column)

A Christmas Eve tale for car hobbyists…

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the garage,
not an engine was running, not in a Chevy, Triumph nor Dodge.
The tools were put away with order and care,
After hours of battling dual SU carbs, causing me to rip out my hair.

My daughters and wife were all cozy in bed,
So I sprawled-out on the couch to watch Speed Channel instead.
“Pinks”, “My Classic Car” and “Victory By Design,”
Drooling over gorgeous cars that I wish were all mine.

Then a sudden urge – get ready, get set,
To go back to the garage and troubleshoot my old Corvette.
The turn signal would light when the ignition key was turned,
It probably had something to do with a wiring harness that burned.

So over the pajamas went the Roebucks coveralls,
That hang from a hook near the door on the wall.
And just as I grabbed the multimeter and test light,
I heard a rumble outside cutting right through the night.

The sound was so loud it shook the concrete floor,
I quickly identified it – a 426 Hemi with dual-fours.
It then appeared in the flesh, all shining and mean,
A 1970 Hemicuda in Sassy Grass Green.

The driver was old, fat, and had hair of silver-gray,
He looked a lot like my Dad in a strange sort of way.
In his red and white duds hauling wrapped gifts tied with ribbons,
And his beard made him look like ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons.

More births and missionary successes meant Santa now had to hustle,
So he traded the reindeers and sleigh for something with more muscle.
But instead of giving me gifts he simply offered me a ride,
So I quickly jumped in, taking the seat on the passenger side.

Ahead of schedule this year, Santa had time for reflection,
And to show his favorite collector car columnist his personal collection.
So we raced towards the North Pole, the engine roaring loud,
Although I confess — Santa drove faster than the speed limit allowed.

On the side of Santa’s house, a warehouse was connected,
Giving enough storage space for all the great cars he collected.
On one side were Duesys, Auburns and Cords,
Towards the back were Lincolns, Mercurys, Edsels and Fords.

A Pegaso, Iso Grifo and 550 Spyder by Porsche,
Examples from Gordon-Keeble, Sabra, Tatra, Dellow and Horsch.
We talked about market trends, restoration and horsepower,
But it was clear Santa was quickly running out of prime delivery hours.

So on our way back we joked merrily,
Until we were challenged to a race by an elf in a road-spec GT40.
(At first I was shocked by this site, I really must admit,
But then again nobody taller than an elf could ever comfortably fit.)

Santa’s foot pushed the accelerator right down to the floor.
My backside went through the seat springs and my head hit the door.
It was over in twelve seconds, and of course Santa won,
Then we headed back to my house after this moment of childish fun.

So again we arrived at my humble abode,
As I got out of the car, my disappointment obviously showed.
But Santa winked, smiled and said through his beard,
“A great holiday to all, and here’s to another car crazy New Year!”

Car spelling — the online sellers’ way

I’ve always planned on writing an easy-to-digest how-to guide for selling your car. It’s an interesting topic with many options, each with its own pros and cons.

After perusing Craigslist today (a daily habit), I finally decided that I needed to at least cover one specific area seemingly lost on many individuals out there…and I needed to do it pronto.

For god’s sake, people, if you’re going to list your car for sale, at least spell the name of the car correctly!!! Those of us in the great digital audience are not asking for perfect grammar or a thrilling description worthy of inclusion in a collection of legendary prose. Heck, I personally don’t care if you butcher the spelling of other words, but the make and model of your car is pretty damn important in the effort to sell it.

If you’re too lazy to go outside and look on the trunk (or on the registration, owners manual, or online) for the correct spelling of the make and model, do you honestly think people will believe you’ve changed the oil in the car every 3,000 miles?

I don’t know what it says about the ownership demographic, but Camaro owners seem to be the worst offenders. If I had a dollar for every time I saw an advertisement for a “Camero”, I’d be able to buy that “’69 Camero Rallee Sport” I saw advertised a few months ago.

Probably second on the list of the spelling challenge is Toyota’s Camry. For some reason, people think there’s at least one “e” (or sometimes two) in there. To remember how to spell it, just remember: “When you’re talking about Camry, Toyota engineered out ‘glee’, ‘weeee’, ‘golly gee’, and ‘goodness me’…. because they didn’t include an ‘e’.”

Some sellers seem to have a tough time with Chrysler. Today I saw a listing for a “Cristler”, but my all-time favorite was the ad for a “1997 Christler Town and Country”. Here’s a news flash – if Jesus really is the son of god, don’t you think he’d drive something better than a frigging ten year old minivan?

Too many car sellers obviously slept through geography class. Among these folks include the sellers of a ’87 GMC Siara (Sierra), a ’68 Chevy Malebuu (Malibu) and a ’86 Montey Carlow (Monte Carlo).

Cadillac seems to be a hard one for people to spell. All too often I see “Caddilac” or “Caddillac”. The first Caddy ad I saw today got the Cadillac part correct, but unfortunately called the model an Eldorado “Baritz” — which sounds like a name of a George Barris custom.

One way you should know never to buy a sports car from someone is if they show blatant disregard for the car’s name. How well do you think all those “Alfa Romero”s run that are currently for sale across the Internet? (It’s Alfa Romeo, Mr. Italian Car Owner, coming from a combination of the acronym ALFA (derived from Societa Anonima Lombarda Fabbrica Automobili) and the name of Nicola Romeo, the guy who bought the company in 1915.) Similarly, considering that even smart people have never been able to make a Maserati run reliably, I’m guessing that buying a “Mazeratti” with the intention of a good ownership experience is akin to attempting suicide with a plastic spork from KFC.

The bottom line is that if you fail to spell your car’s make and model correctly, it not only makes you look foolish, but also prohibits people like me from finding your vehicle in an online search. So much of selling a car is in presentation and making the buyer feel confident in the quality of the vehicle. Anything you do to jeopardize that image simply makes it harder to sell.

Of course, it’s better to spell the name incorrectly than to not include the name (or any type of basic identification) at all. The guy whose entire listing read “good running too-door cupe $7,500” needed to be euthanized (certainly before he procreated.)

And coming soon – what people expect when your ad says “straight and rust free”.

MIT’s “fully autonomous” Land Rover LR3

Ford just announced that MIT has created the first fully autonomous Land Rover. The corporation donated a LR3 to the school to compete in 2007 Urban Challenge.

Our insider sources tell us that the brilliant MIT students have managed to go beyond the self-driving functionality detailed in the press release. The students set out to ensure this LR3 operates identically to one purchased from the showroom floor, just without the human interaction.

This special LR3 can automatically order a tall nonfat decaf latte from any Starbucks and Tully’s, as well as purchase six pairs of shoes (with plans to return four) from Nordstrom’s. The Land Rover can also display messages bragging of its superior four-by-four capabilities, even though the gravel parking lot at the kiddo’s soccer game is the closest it has ever been to off-roading.

The LR3’s fully automated systems enable it to visit the local Land Rover dealership to fix all those things that have inevitably broken or simply stopped working each week. It automatically communicates with service advisors to inform that dealership mechanics failed to fix the problems that were specifically requested to be addressed in the previous service appointment.

Most importantly, the MIT students built in the functionality for the Land Rover to self-actualize. At some point within the first three years, the MIT LR3 will reach its break-point, drive itself to a Lexus dealer, ask to be replaced by something more reliable and comfortable, ands accept a trade-in value translating to a higher cost-per-mile than if the vehicle had been a Lamborghini.

Roger and Me, 2007 Style

Today the United Auto Workers called a national strike against General Motors.  GM has already released a statement regarding its disappointment.  The union and the corporation had been in long talks for quite a long time trying to ratify a new contract.

While most of the major media will likely look at this as a horrible event for both entities, I’m here to say that there is plenty of silver lining.

First and foremost, this means that production lines will stop putting out some of the most mediocre vehicles on the market.  Let’s face it, the fewer poorly designed Impalas that enter the rental fleets and horribly built Hummers that fall into the hands of soccer moms, the better we all are.

Secondly, this provides an opportunity for members of the UAW to once again see how unions are bad for companies, workers…let’s just say they’re bad for everyone except for the executives of the unions who draw large salaries and bonuses.   (It seems that the UAW membership needs a sub-union to negotiate with the UAW leadership for what really is in the best long-term interest of auto workers!)

As the UAW and GM are bleeding each other dry, the Japanese and European automakers will continue producing vehicles at non-union plants where job satisfaction, wages, benefits, job security and plant profits are all higher than Jimi Hendrix at the Monterey Pop Festival.

Finally, this all shows that no matter how many times GM, Ford…or any Fortune 500 company says that “things are going to change”, they seldom do.   When companies and unions recycle the same people, the same ideas and roadblocks that screwed things up in the first place, the same problems will keep coming back to haunt.

At some point, GM and UAW will need to accomplish a true paradigm shift — one where GM creates and maintains an environment where its employees feel more loyalty to the corporation than to the unions.  Only then can the General build desirable, well-engineered vehicles that enable long-term corporate health.

Redescovering the king of road trip games

Last week my friend Andy invited my family over for dinner in celebration of my birthday. Anytime I’m offered an opportunity not to cook for my family, I jump on it – even if it means microwave lasagna! (In Andy’s defense, he did get me an ice cream cake from Baskin and Robbins.)

Cleaning up after dinner, I noticed a Mad Libs book sitting on his kitchen counter. Those of the pre-DVD era who spent years in the back seat of the family truckster on road trips will most likely remember Mad Libs with particular fondness.

Mad Libs was invented in the 1950s. New editions are still published, although I must admit that I had not seen a Mad Libs book for decades. I suppose Playstation Portables, i-Pods and built-in DVD players made travel games obsolete years ago. My kids had never seen Mad Libs, and I’d guess the same would be true for most primary school students.

In my current Sound Classics column I profiled some famous road trip games, such as Slug Bug, License Plate and Car Bingo. In my mind, Mad Libs was the king.

I promised my Sound Classics readers that they could find a car-oriented Mad Libs-esque example here. (It’s not a Mad Libs, because the lawyers tell me this is a trademark, so we’ll call this “inspired” by the original, only to promote that readers go out and buy a copy of the real thing to give to their kids, grandkids or neighbors.)

So…

It’s time for Sound Classics and Four Wheel Drift fans to redescover the fun of wasting time — car trip style.

First, you have to choose these words:
1. Number less than 100
2. Name of a store or restaurant

3. Color
4. Adjective
5. Make of Car
6. Model of Car
7. Number
8. Emotion
9. Unit of Measure
10. Animal
11. Make and Model of Car
12. Verb ending in “ing”
13. Type of tool
14. Verb
15. Part of a car
16. Noun
17. Noun
18. Event
19. Verb ending in “ing”
20. Name of Person

Okay, now that you have selected these words, stick them in the appropriate spaces below in the story:

MY FIRST CAR
When I was (1) I bought my first car. I found it advertised on the bulletin board at (2). I immediately contacted the owner and scheduled to see it.

The (3) paint was peeling, and the chrome was (4), but underneath the dirt it was an honest-to-goodness (5) (6). He was asking only $2,500, but I offered (7). He took it, which made me very (8).

It wasn’t much to look at, but the 327 (9) engine put out a whopping 275 (10) power. I never lost a single race, and even beat a guy in his dad’s (11) by four car lengths.

The car did have a habit of (12), though. I spent many hours (13) in hand, trying to (14) the (15). Even after all the work, it still burned plenty of (16) and blew (17) out the exhaust.

Most of my friends can’t understand why I’ve been looking to find one to restore and take to (18). If they knew about all the (19) I did in that car with (20), I think they’d understand.

Dealer / Brand Reorganization — Four Wheel Drift Style!

Searching for a new car is very confusing. With dozens of manufacturers, hundreds of brands and thousands of trim levels from which to decide, just figuring out where to start is a daunting task… Add in that one Toyota dealer might also carry Buicks, while another might have an association with Ford on the same lot, and it’s no wonder most people would rather have a colonoscopy than shop for a vehicle.

It is for these reasons that I’ve taken the bull by the horns, declared martial law, and have mandated a reorganization for automotive dealers. From now on, dealers will floor only models that compliment each other.

For instance, if you’re initially interested in the Mercury Mountaineer, then the same dealership should also carry the Buick Rainier and GMC Denali. Inevitably this means you’re the type who would also like the Isuzu Ascender. Come to think of it, chances are you need to plan for the Chevy Avalanche, as well.

If you’re going to check out the Chrysler Aspen, you’ll find them at the dealer with the Chevy Tahoe, which must be stocked next to the Suzuki Reno. Usually while checking out the Reno, customers will play with the VW Golf.

Any dealership flooring Toyota’s Tacoma, or Hyundai’s Santa Fe and Tucson will sell the Chevy Suburban, as well. Find Dodge’s Durango there too — among Chevy Colorado stock. As you head to the building’s west side, you’ll run into Chevy Malibus parked next to the Mercury Montereys. You’ll have to pass through all the Dodge Dakotas, though, as you move up this dealer’s lot before you get to the GMC Yukon and Toyota Tundra.

The Aston Martin Vanquish is a heck of a halo car for a dealer, but chances are most customers can’t quite jump to these before getting something like a small Dodge Caliber. Older, more experienced drivers will want to look at the larger the Dodge Magnum, but only after walking carefully around the Chrysler Crossfire. For those who don’t feel these vehicles are safe, make a quick exit to the dealer next door selling the Chevy Sprinter and Ford Escape.

Tragically, not all dealers will like their new lineups. After the Le Mans, Grand Prix and Bonneville were put out to pasture, certain small operations will need to survive selling just Chrysler Sebrings and Chevy Monte Carlos.

Large dealer networks with expansive, yet gated lots will be picked to contain the Chevrolet Impala, Dodge Ram…and naturally the Ford Mustang. For safety reasons, Dodge Vipers must be kept indoors. Certainly, the children will be allowed to get up-close to the VW Rabbits.

The competing large dealer in town will most likely carry a Chevy Trailblazer. This also means one can also test drive the Nissan Pathfinder, Ford Ranger, Ford Explorer, and Ford Expedition. Usually, these rigs are pre-requisites to road testing a GMC Savanna or Canyon. While there, it would be an intelligent move to at least consider the Jeep Compass.

Some dealers will be given the Chevrolet Equinox and Pontiac Solstice. If they perform well, they’ll also sporadically get deliveries of the Mitsubishi Eclipse.

Consumers looking for the Chrysler 300 need look no further than the dealership offering the Ford Five Hundred. Similarly, the Dodge Charger will be sold next to the Mitsubishi Lancer. Sadly this dealer will lose both the Honda Element and Saturn Ion – popular with the alternative set.

If you see a Jeep Commander, chances are the lot will also contain plenty examples of the Honda Odyssey and Lincoln Navigator, which will appeal to anyone trading in their Mercury Mariner.

Saturn dealers made “hassle-free” a core value. Due to this, they’ll not only be allowed to continue selling their positive-minded Aura, but also gain the Pontiac Vibe, as well as Honda’s Insight and Fit.

Since nobody was ever able to remember which manufacturer made which vehicle, all preposition name-based cars will be under one roof. This includes the Chevrolet Uplander, Mitsubishi Outlander, Saturn Outlook, and Subaru Outback.

What about all those alphanumeric cars? They’ve all been given to former BMW dealers…those guys can sell ice to Eskimos.